SELF CARE AS A PARENT- HOW CAN YOU GIVE OF YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING ON EMPTY?

My dear friend reminded me that, as mothers, we’re all just comparing ourselves to one another. It's how we gauge our own performances. Dependent upon how we use this, our parenting can improve, or our self assuredness can plummet. I recently shared my personal take away from this process, after experiencing some parental enlightenment, while witnessing the beloved Emily with her children. But, since then, an unexpected lesson also arose.

For two days, we did art, we had picnics, we baked, we played games, we crafted. I was in it, non stop. When the baby napped, I didn't check out. I instead spent that time giving the boys my complete attention. I was really, truly enjoying myself. It felt fulfilling, not forced or laborious. Then day three arrived. I woke up exhausted and empty, a carcass with nothing left to give, and a worse parent than I'd been before I resolved to improve. We don't do much TV, but Samsung babysat that day.

The school year resumed the following week. For the first time in five years, I had alone time, because my younger son started full day kindergarten. While Indigo napped, I received two hours of glorious, unadulterated me time. After the first day, I felt like a completely different person. Energy was coursing through my veins, my patience was limitless, I was glowing. Now, a week in, workouts and showering have happened every day (I won't express the significance of this, so as to not disgust readers). My legs are shaved. Above the knee. My hair smells pleasant and is brushed and styled. I'm reading and writing. I'm dressed in clothes that don't stretch. It’s a whole new fucking world over here.

I still needed Emily’s example to act as a barometer for my own parenting. It forced me to go all in and then realize the extent to which I'd neglected myself. The desire to give of yourself to your children is fruitless, if you're an empty vessel. The last several years have consisted of nonstop giving, through pregnancy, breastfeeding, cosleeping, caretaking, remodeling, moving, and working outside and inside of the home. God bless my husband, but he’s an empty vessel, too. We’ve been alone together, out of the house, less than five times in almost three years, and before that, only a few times per year. We both are aware of this flawed system but have struggled with how to create that personal time for ourselves and one another. If either of us leaves, it's at the expense of the other, and when you're running on fumes, it's almost impossible to be generous.

I hope for you that there is a support system in place to call upon, besides your husband. If you've got the extra money, put it to work for you, get your kids out of the house for a few hours per week. Use the childcare at your gym, trade with friends, get creative. This is the pot calling the kettle black, because I didn't make any of these things happen. “Do as I say, not as I do.” I absolutely should've tried harder.

If you have the desire to be more present with your children, but the energy isn't there, you've got to create it for yourself. I was fully aware that I wanted to engage more, and in years past, when my cup runneth over, I did. It's been a slow but steady depletion, subtle enough to go unnoticed. I felt lazy, but the truth is that I'm not.

A martyr and a mother can't exist simultaneously, without acting as a detriment to your parenting skills. Not only do you suffer, but your children receive the short end of the stick. Every area of your life stands to improve. It's an investment in yourself and your family, with pretty hefty returns. Now, when my daughter is awake, I'm 100 percent with her. When my sons come home from school, I'm there. When my husband talks to me, I listen. I'm me again.

*And, please, when you see a friend making time for herself, don't throw a “must be nice” her way. She's listening to her inner guidance and taking note of her own unique threshold. If that makes you feel a sense of judgment, then you too are lacking in the same department. Recognize what it's really about, and fix it.

-Angi

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU PROBABLY HAVE ADRENAL FATIGUE. HERE'S HOW TO FIX IT.

I'd just had my second child. Signing up for a half marathon seemed like a great way to get back in shape. I'd been a runner, pre-pregnancy, but never more than seven miles at a time, so the challenge was enticing.

My son was a voracious breast feeder. We were up together all night, every night. If he wasn't eating, he was suckling. My sleep was suffering, and my body was paying the price. I'd already spent the money on the entry fee, thinking that by the time training started, he'd be a better sleeper, and I'd be rested enough to get up early for runs. Not.The.Case. (that kid didn't sleep until he was three years old). I was getting two cumulative hours of sleep per night, at best. In hindsight, I look back and want to shake the hell out of myself for choosing to proceed. River was nine months old when I started getting up at 5am to run somewhere between seven and twelve miles, daily. I was pushing myself hard, keeping a fast pace, and never walking. Eye rolls totally acceptable.

By the time the race arrived, I'd actually gained weight. Unfortunately, it wasn't muscle, it was belly fat. Stress fat.

That was my first clue that something wasn't right. I continued to work out every day, pushing myself harder, thinking that would do the trick, and the weight kept coming. I was eating a paleo diet and working out regularly. WTF? How?

That's when the googling began. Adrenal Fatigue. I had almost every symptom.

If you're a mother in your 30's or 40's, there's a good chance that you're struggling with adrenal fatigue, or have at some point. Weight gain (belly fat), fatigue, hormone imbalance, dizziness, trouble concentrating, caffeine as a lifeline, cravings for salty and sweet foods, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, check, check, check. If you identified with at least a few of the symptoms on that list, this is for you, and there are things you can do about it.

If you're reading this, I hope you're already at a point in your life where you have enough self love to make sacrifices on your own behalf, enough self worth to value feeling vigorous and energetic. If that sleeve of Oreos is more attractive to you than how you feel as you go about your daily life, then you've got some tough questions to ask yourself. One of them being, "what is my life lacking, that food is one of the most fulfilling components of it?" Because, if you can't muster up a little appreciation for your body, and what it requires to keep you vibrantly healthy, sticking with a healing routine is going to be a helluva challenge.

Although I've struggled with a fear of vulnerability, I've never lacked confidence in my ability, and perseverance has always been my strong suit. Changing my diet for healing is a huge nuisance (I'm not a family of one!), but totally worth baring. I place extreme value on my body. Without our vessels, we're done.

Adrenal fatigue had me so exhausted that I would be fighting sleep by lunch time everyday, yet I'd be awake from 1am to 3pm every night. I powered through on workdays, but on my days off, I could barely keep my eyes open. I was dizzy every time I stood up. I'd gained 10 pounds. My thinking was fuzzy, and my memory was nonexistent. How was I supposed to be a parent, or for that matter a person, in this state?

My traditional doctor proved to be useless. My blood tests came back that I was indeed still alive, which I'm convinced, is the only thing they are concerned about. Out of desperation, I sought out a Naturopath. If this isn't something you've done yet, I can't recommend it enough. Naturopaths are licensed physicians who approach medicine holistically, doing more of an investigation than an examination. Your intake questionnaire is several pages long, taking into account all areas of your life. Vibrant health is the name of their game. The markers on their blood tests are indicative of this. Being "in range" isn't a testament of health. They have their own set of acceptable ranges.

The following is taken from Dr. Axe in his web article 3 Steps to Heal Adrenal Fatigue:

    Your adrenal glands are two thumb-sized organs that sit above your kidneys and are part of the endocrine system. Also known as the suprarenal glands, they’re involved in producing over 50 hormones that drive almost every bodily function, many of which are essential for life.

       Adrenal glands play a huge role in stress response. Your brain registers a threat — whether it’s emotional, mental or physical. The adrenal cortex then releases corticosteroids to dampen processes like digestion, immune system response and other functions not necessary for immediate survival.

       Adrenal fatigue is a condition where your body and adrenal glands can’t keep up with the tremendous amount of daily stress many people experience. Sometimes misunderstood as an autoimmune disorder, adrenal fatigue can mimic some precursors to other common illnesses and disease.

     Wellness doctors and practitioners believe that an episode of acute stress or prolonged, chronic stress can cause adrenal glands to become overloaded and ineffective. They believe that adrenal fatigue can be caused by:

* Stressful experiences like death of loved one, divorce or surgery
* Exposure to environmental toxins and pollution
* Prolonged stress due to financial hardship, bad relationships or work environment, and other conditions that entail feelings of helplessness
* Negative thinking and emotional trauma
* Lack of sleep
* Poor diet and lack of exercise

I'd like to add overexercise to that list. If your life is already stressful, for whatever reason (likely, children), then the last thing you need to be doing is throwing stress inducing exercise into the loop. Makes sense, right?  Distance running, crossfit, boot camp. Nah. If you’re 25 and childless, carry on, but for the rest of us, think twice. Obviously, if you're doing these activities and feeling amazing, you don't have adrenal fatigue. You're dismissed. Extremely low carb diets, great for initial weight loss, not so great long term if you are struggling with adrenal fatigue. Not everyone's bodies thrive on a paleo diet, especially women's. For some of us, it's just another source of biological stress. Carbs are energy, sorta important as a life force.

There are different levels of adrenal fatigue. If you're in the beginning stages, healing isn't as difficult, duh. But, if you've been neglecting yourself for quite some time, the recovery process may be long. It's important to know that certain medications and illnesses can lend themselves to adrenal insufficiency. This is worth investigating if you have an autoimmune disease or take any daily meds.

A few of the things that helped me heal were:

- Reduced exercise; a combo of yoga, weights, mat work, and HIIT a few times per week, for no more than 25 minutes at a time. No more distance running or working out on days my sleep suffered.

-Per the above, waking up early to work out, no mas. Sleep is the priority, always. Cortisol is highest first thing in the morning, that's what wakes us up. Working out first thing is adding fuel to the already stoked fire.

-Go light on the caffeine and alcohol. If you can, avoid them completely. They exacerbate cortisol and inflammation issues, respectively.

- I eat healthy carbs, think sweet potatoes and quinoa. We don't require much, but a good rule of thumb for healing, according to "The Adrenal Reset Diet" by Dr. Alan Christianson, NMD (link below), is one golf ball size serving at breakfast, two at lunch, and three at dinner. Protein AND carbs at dinner are imperative for decent sleep. They give the body sustained energy, so we don't wake during the night. Finding the right balance of carbs is important. Too many carbs equals too much sugar, which in turn creates more stress via insulin responses.

- I had small snacks between meals, like an apple with a handful of almonds, to keep my blood sugar stable, because you guessed it, that means less biological stress.

- I did my best to not get sucked into stressful situations. Our responses to the things we experience are within our control. Deep breathing for a few minutes, sporadically throughout the day, helps keep us more even keeled. Meditation is another amazing tool. Headspace is a fantastic app for newbies and experienced meditators alike.

- I cut gluten, dairy, processed food, and processed sugar. I upped my veggies and greens and kept my fruit to less than two pieces per day. I know, restricting your diet is tough, it's inconvenient. No one else is on board. You just have to do it for yourself. I've been eating a different dinner from my family, several times per week, for years now. You get used to it. Your threshold changes, and over time, so does theirs! I think it's important to start incrementally on this front, or your success is going to be hindered. Take dairy out first, then processed sugar, then gluten, or whichever order feels the least daunting to you.

- I went on an elimination diet to identify hidden food intolerances that were causing further biological stress. I learned SO much about my body from this. I used a book called "The Metabolism Plan", by Lyn Genet Recitas. You can find the link to it below.

-I sought out a Naturopath and had several blood tests run: The complete thyroid panel, TSH, T3, T4, and Free T3. You need all of them for a clear picture. Hypothyroidism can be overlooked if the comprehensive panel isn't run. For further information on hypothyroidism, which goes hand in hand with adrenal fatigue, read here: www.drlam.com/blog/adrenal-fatigue-and-low-thyroid-gland-function/5298/You can have cortisol tested, but it's not always accurate.

- My iron was low, which wasn't related to adrenal fatigue, but exacerbated my dizziness, lack of sleep, and exhaustion. Do not take iron unless you've been tested and know that you are anemic. Iron overload can be toxic. I have taken several different iron supplements over the years. Iron Extra by Vitanica is by far my favorite (link below), no tummy issues, no constipation, and it contains all the other necessary vitamins to help the iron absorb properly. It also has real folate, instead of folic acid, which should always be avoided.

- I added a supplement with adaptogens that are known to help with exhaustion and stress. I've linked the specific brand I used at the bottom of the post. For more information on adaptogens, check out: https://avivaromm.com/adaptogens-beating-stress/ 

- I put myself to sleep early. 9:00pm bedtime.

- I took quality vitamin D3, B12, kelp for thyroid support, and magnesium (not citrate) for improved nervous system response, which lends itself to better sleep and stress tolerance.

Please remember that I'm only speaking from my own experiences. I'm not a doctor. I have no medical training. I'm just a voracious reader and self experimenter. Seek help from a physician when implementing a healing protocol.

-Angi

CHECK OUT THE BOOKS AND SUPPLEMENTS THAT HELPED ME HEAL BELOW:

STRUGGLING IS LEARNING.

I get a lot of praise for homeschooling.

Sometimes it feels good, other times I hear the skepticism within the praise: “you are so brave” mixed with a facial expression of fear, perhaps for the huge responsibility that I am shouldering by educating my kids without a teaching degree. I personally have spent nights awake, terrified that I am ruining my children’s futures. Typically this fear is bred from a difficult day of teaching. And by difficult, I mean full blown failures.

The lovely parts of homeschooling: watercoloring outside, sharing a cherished book aloud, or making a mess in the kitchen; these are the things that make it on Instagram. The refusals to put pencil to paper, the utter disdain for a third page of math, or the tears (so many tears) while struggling and failing, and trying again; these are the seeds of crippling doubt, that I hope no one can see.

Some of our days are filled with obstacles. A quiet day at home is few and far between, while I am maneuvering 4 kids through enrichment classes, social lives, extracurricular activities, and just good ole errands. I have grown as a human who relies on calendars and iphone alerts. Still, I am the mom known for my tardiness and lack of memory.

Believe it or not, I have come to see these flaws as strong suits in my homeschooling endeavors. I have a knack for falling in love with what we are learning. We may be sprawled on the floor with 3 history books, 5 maps and a globe, piecing the past together, when my commitments come barreling at me from nowhere. Living in the moment doesn’t even describe it. When I am discussing the Bill of Rights with my daughter and I can feel that she is engaged, I wouldn’t answer my phone for anything.

I have found a peace between the two worlds. My beautiful children continually remind me how valuable a little chaos is. They are forgiving and exhausting and complicated and genuine, and they wear their hearts on their sleeves. I will never be able to match what they continue to teach me on a daily basis. All handwriting and latin roots aside, our greatest lesson is that struggling and failing are learning.

Six years into this whole adventure, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for something easier. The rewards are too great, and the amount of time that I get with these little humans will someday seem too little. With a range of ages, and emotions and recently hormones, I have come to rely on some fundamental tools to scoot us through those rougher days:

1. Say “sorry.” It may be for raising your voice, or forgetting to say please. Maybe it’s for losing your mind over a those damn lost shoes as you are about to walk out the door. Whatever the cause, acknowledge that you could do better. They need to know.

2. Don’t expect your kids to always like you. “Your disappointment does not get to dictate how this day is going to go.” Sometimes I say it more for myself than I do for them. I can get grounded in that moment by acknowledging that I don’t need to reinvent the day to accommodate every burst of misery.

3. Tears are going to fall. My 10 year old son still struggles to read aloud to me. He may be a paragraph in, and stumble on his words and resign himself instantly to crying and defeat. I have come to accept his sensitivities, while still prioritizing what needs to be done. “This is hard,” I tell him “but we can do hard things.” Again… saying it to him, also allows me to hear it.

4. Go outside. If the day is getting heavy, and there is a general funk in the air, go throw a blanket in the front yard and be there together. Use the park, or find some local spots where you can put your feet in a river, or stare at some trees. I know I can’t tackle the housework, or get lost in my own agenda once I remove us from the house. I have even *gasp* left my phone behind (sometimes intentionally, sometimes just being forgetful me).

-Emily

HOW I STOPPED DIETING AND LOST WEIGHT.

I've struggled with food and body image issues since I was nine. It's hard to comprehend how a tiny 54 pound child could judge herself by her weight. I wasn't the slightest bit heavy, still prepubescent. The mere fact that I remember my weight at age nine attests to the inappropriate amount of importance it held in my young brain.

As you might assume, the fixation didn't go away. I filled empty cereal bowls with water and left them in the kitchen sink, telling my mom that I'd eaten. Then there was the calorie counting, if I went over 800, I felt like a failure.

Skinny didn't come easy. It wasn't my genetic predisposition to have the waif like body that I aspired to. When low fat became the rage, I ditched the calorie counting, and only ate non fat food. This equated to a lot more sugar, and my weight went up instead of down. Still failing.

I graduated from high school, and we moved back to my hometown that we'd left a few years prior. My friends were all away at college. I didn't get back in time to start school in the fall. I felt alone and aimless. This lead to a depression. Cue sad music, poor hygiene, and very sloppy poetry.

The number on the scale dictated to me whether or not I was worth something, whether or not I had any self control. I felt weak because I wasn't thin enough. The depression fed the hunger. I wouldn't eat at all some days. There were times when my body didn't even have enough energy to urinate. I felt psychologically empty and my biological state reflected that. This time, the scale cooperated. I was thin, finally.

Through the shadow of depression, I mustered a twisted sense of accomplishment, control.

Over time, I made friends through various jobs and started dating. The somber mood lifted but my body dysmorphia didn't take leave.
I still spent the bulk of each day thinking about food and judging myself for eating transgressions, avoiding fat like it was the plague.

I felt more in control of my life as an adult than I did as a teen, but the scale still dictated if I was good or bad. I felt strongest when practicing deprivation.

After I had my second son, I started having health issues, for a myriad of reasons, unbeknownst to me at the time. I was struggling with eczema that wouldn't quit, anemia, dizziness, and extreme fatigue. My infant son was also having eczema. Because I was nursing, I tried eliminating every food that was known to be problematic. For the first time in years, I started to feel good. I had energy, my moods were improved, my digestion was smooth, and I was sleeping at night. If I backpedaled and ate like crap, I didn't feel good, and my ability to be the type of mom I wanted to be went downhill as well.

This started what has become an obsession with health, not just being thin, but feeling good. Once you see the light, it's hard to go back. I still value keeping my weight at a place that feels right, but having energy and sleeping trumps that need. I'll never starve myself again. My body is my temple, not a vessel that I hold contempt for and do battle with. Consequently, being thin isn't a struggle anymore.

Learning my body and what works for me has evoked a passion for helping others explore what keeps them feeling vital. I take my bodily sensations as cues to tweak things as needed, and I watch my weight so that I can tell which foods do and don't agree with me.

My intention with the health component of MINDFUL+ MAMA is to share what I have learned through research and experimentation, maybe shedding light on areas that others need to explore. 

Health isn't about being alive, it's about feeling good, and living each day vibrantly.

-Angi

* This is the first post of many to come detailing specifics about health and wellness. Watch for the next one about Adrenal Fatigue. If you have children, and you're struggling with weight gain and poor energy, it's for you!
 

FINDING THE STRENGTH IN OUR FEMININE SENSITIVITY

I struggle to embrace that being a woman comes with wildly vacillating, often arbitrary, emotions. From one moment to the next, I don't know who I'm going to be, what I'm going to want, or how long it's going to last. Friday, I woke up chipper as hell, and by Saturday I was holding back tears, feeling disconnected from the rest of humanity, with no real interest in doing anything other than sinking into it. Sunday was more of the same, and my husband graciously, and for his own sanity, removed me from the house to go do whatever it was that I needed to. So, here I sit, at the top of a damn butte, again, perched on a craggy rock, with a lizard and a chipmunk for company, watching the river below, which somehow exists as a force gentle and fierce, all at once, always pushing forward.

There is immeasurable power to be found in running uphill on a dusty trail, toes clinging to unearthed stones to propel your weight forward, simultaneously preventing falling, the sound of your own breath casting out all other noises, and then back down, each pounding step feeling like your bones are reverberating within your skin. It's hard, and I am conscious of my strength when doing it.

In these moments, when the rest of the world seems to be at arm's length, and I feel hollow, as if a subtle wind could blow me away, pushing myself to experience my own power and connection to the ground beneath my feet pulls me back in, out of the illusion that is solitude.

In my younger years, when I could indulge the melancholy, I'd have confined myself to the bedroom, and cried the tears until they could come no more, emerging not a second sooner, puffy eyed and exhausted, but relieved.

Now, with three children to tend to, I have to work the intensity out in other ways, patiently waiting for my moment of release, while trying to own the unpredictability of my womanhood, like the river, gentle yet fierce, but never stopping.

As I make my way to the base of the butte, a literal and figurative return to reality, I descend to the river, where a swan serenely glides through the water, a first for me. I look up the symbolism of the Swan. It represents awakening the power of the self, finding balance, and having grace while doing so. I walk on the path beside her, trying to envelop myself in those qualities, invigorated by the world around me, breeze lifting instead of threatening me, realizing that my vacillating emotions are strengths, the soul rebalancing. I'll try to recall this sensation for the inevitable day that I wake with intensity again, gliding through it, and embracing the beauty of the depth therein.

-Angi