TEACHING OUR CHILDREN THE POWER OF SELF TALK.

I've got these two amazing little boys who happen to have incredibly different temperaments. The oldest, in line with the definition of first born, is more serious. He plays by the rules; we don't have to worry about him acting reckless or taking advantage of others. He’s quick to notice shifts in our voices and details others might miss. His brain is methodical. He's empathetic but less sympathetic, because he's had to grin and bear the disappointments of Lego creations being destroyed, by two different toddlers, for several years now. He's observed the inequity of everyone getting a jelly bean after dinner, even if they didn't finish their meals, because mom and dad didn't have the mental stamina to withstand screaming. He's been punished for hitting the little brother that's wanting to be hit, asking for it in every way. He's felt the rejection of a parent who can't hold him because a baby is crying. Like his Mama, an oldest child myself, we pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and just deal with it, because we’ve accepted that life is notoriously unfair and we expect those around us to do the same, thus the lack of sympathy.

Then there’s the younger boy, who manages to find the giggle in every situation. The world is a friendly place, where if one asks for help or hugs, they're likely to get it. He requires more affection, but reciprocates in kind. If I stub my toe, he's the first to put his hand on my back and ask, “Are you okay, Mama?” in a gentle voice, sweet as honey. My oldest son let me know when he was four, and I’d tripped and fallen in a tearful heap on the ground, that “children don't ever want to see grown ups cry,” and that was that. A sentiment true and profound for a child of his age; sensitivity of a different breed.

I've had to push my eldest to play soccer each year. He's not innately aggressive and struggles when he doesn't feel adept. Plus, his life experiences have taught him to fall back in the face of challenges from others, because it's unlikely things will work in his favor anyway (i.e. aforementioned chronic Lego destruction). The truth is that he's a fantastic player, but his fear of failure and unwillingness to confront hold him back during every game. He relinquishes his upper hand to other players each time the ball comes his way. He's got the skill set, but he doesn't have the confidence to back it up.

The youngest isn't the hardest worker. He's learned that love is unconditional, and knows that even if he doesn't give it his all, life is still pretty peachy. He's a less than mediocre soccer player, with little to no skill set. I'm not sure he has ever even looked for the ball on the field, but he chases the crowd around, grinning from ear to ear. In his mind, the amount of fun he's having is in direct proportion to how good of a player he is, therefore he's the best player on the team.

Jen Sincero, who has put out a couple great books (see below), says “our ‘realities’ are make believe- whatever we make ourselves believe, we experience,” a simplistic yet mind blowing concept. My eight year old does not believe he is a good soccer player, and as long as he rolls with that mindset, his fate is sealed. I won't be surprised if the youngest goes on to bend it like Beckham, because he already believes that he is.

It's worth sitting down and questioning which beliefs you hold that are limiting. If analyzing the whys is important for your personality type, then do that too, but sometimes just the realization and subsequent behavioral shift are enough to be life changing. And, know that the opposite is true as well, if you believe you are amazing at something, then that's your reality.

As the eldest sibling, I identify with my oldest son’s struggles. I see him through the eyes of my eight year old self. I remember falling back in other ways, to prevent disappointment and rejection. There were so many things I never tried, because I didn't want to lose the label of “smart” or “good.” Even still, I refrain from attempting things I'm not sure I'll succeed at. It's tough to think about how much further I may have gone and how much more joy I'd have experienced if I hadn't given such weight to how others perceived me.

Helping my son through this is imperative, so that fear doesn't dictate his future experiences. It's my duty to protect him yet push him, sporadically allowing discomfort, so that he can acclimate to it.

The whole realization and process of seeing your own personal fears surface in your children is strange yet beautiful. It carries a weight, a responsibility, but it offers the chance to be introspective and to make right our own perceived inadequacies. In sculpting my child, I heal myself, one of the many gifts of parenthood. I find self forgiveness for not becoming who I’d wanted to, and grant myself grace because I am but a product of my upbringing. It is no more my fault than it is my parents for having me before my sister. My fear of rejection has evolved from being a weakness to an obstacle that I have the choice to learn from.

I hope that my son will find the gifts in my misgivings, in the parenting I couldn't give him while I nursed his little brother and sister, when I was too tired to play. There are such strengths to be found in forced independence. My other children will have their own sets of challenges from being the middle and the youngest. My intention is to teach them that every step of the way, they have a choice about who they want to be and that mere belief can change the outcome of their futures. And, of course, that the obstacles of who they are and how they were raised, will be the gifts that pave the way.

-Angi

FINDING YOUR PURPOSE IN THE MIDST OF MOTHERHOOD.

There you are, again, sitting on the floor, neck deep in the drudgery that is rumpled laundry waiting to be folded and distributed to its respective dressers, wondering if there is more to life than this? Post kids, finding fulfillment becomes extra challenging. There are rewarding activities that come from a little self indulgence (going to hot yoga or reading self help books in the bathtub… oh, is that just me??), but I'm not referencing that type of fulfillment, I'm talking about actual purpose.

Many of us, men and women alike, will never even make it to the self exploration required to identify our purposes in life. Kids or no kids, it's a struggle that requires time, intention, and introspection. The few, the lucky, will seem to come out of utero primed to do what they were born to, and then there's the rest of us.

It's easy to get lost in momming and never make it out, sorta like when you dress your pajamas up with a jacket, call it an outfit, proceed to wear it all day, and then roll right back into bed with them still on. Self neglect is widespread in the realm of parenting, and it's a sure fire way to stunt growth. Many of us will go to our graves never having found our reason for living.

This is probably going to hurt a little, but your soul purpose (the play on words is intentional) is not “only” to be a mother. Ouch, I said it. Don't hate me. I say “only” not as a way to condescend or minimize the immeasurably important role that is motherhood, just to express that there is more. Let's break this down logistically for a minute, somewhere between 80-90% of women have children during the course of their lives. That's the bulk of the population. The world needs variety to make it go round, child rearing is more or less a given in a woman’s life. That's a whole lot of us filling the same bracket. Birthing and raising children is a requirement for our species’ survival. Yes, it has purpose, loads of it, but as far as being your reason for living, unlikely. The reason you're alive, yes- you, me, and everyone else, but that's completely different from your purpose in living. Make no mistake, a solid two decades of our lives will be dedicated to sculpting and nurturing our children. Flour, water, and yeast don't make bread unless crafted by our two hands. And, fostering the growth of our children is purpose laden, fundamental stuff. Decent humans make for a decent world.

But, here's the problem with parenting being a soul purpose- It ends. At some point, your children leave the nest, and your work is over. You'll forever worry about them and field the occasional phone call, but assuming you did your job right, they won't take up residence in your basement or look to you for constant support, post adulthood. So, who are you after that?

Unintentional parenthood came early for some, and that's put a strain on personal progress. Not to say that we don't learn copious amounts about ourselves during the process of child rearing. Strengths are identified that we never knew we had and priorities are shifted in ways they'd never have been otherwise. But, parenting also serves as a major distraction from the individual woman that resides somewhere in there, amidst the boo boo kissing, dinner making, soccer games, school drop offs, and dishes. The focus is on others. Much of learning yourself, as a woman, happens with the mistake laden, self indulgent and self absorbed craziness that is your entire 20’s. Motherhood and womanhood are two exclusive beasts, with vastly different types of growth inherent to each.

Others have chosen parenthood early. It’s a natural social progression to marry and start a family. If you were blessed enough to meet the yin to your yang in high school, that process is accelerated, and the aforementioned exploratory 20’s may have bypassed you. You might have checked right into motherhood or a career that fell into your lap, and has thus far made all of the choices for you. Pursuing your passion can be scary stuff and feel like an overwhelming responsibility. For most women, this isn't a conscious choice, but a subconscious avoidance. Knowing what feeds you as a woman is, for many, life’s greatest mystery, and entertaining the idea of figuring it out can be so mind boggling that it leads to paralysis.

Generally speaking, it's nice if you can identify what makes you tick before you procreate, but things don't always come in pretty little packages with perfect timelines. It's going to be difficult to do your soul searching with a bunch of hungry, dirty diapered toddlers tugging at your apron strings, but it's more than possible. It's imperative. Listen now and listen hard, if you want to lead a truly satisfying life before, during, and/or after children, you have got to identify what the hell your soul was put here to do.

This is always, every single time, going to involve serving others. Being instrumental in the lives of your fellow humans comes in a myriad of forms. Maybe you bring health and confidence by teaching yoga. Maybe you inspire young brains of the world by teaching. Maybe you prepare healthy meals that invite nutrition, or create music that gives a voice to others thoughts. Whatever this thing is, once you acknowledge it, a spark will be ignited that cannot be burned out, and you won't be able to turn your back on it without significant emotional repercussions.

I have a lot of things that I love to do. Decorating makes my heart go pitter patter, exercise lights me up, reading feeds me, cooking and baking warm my soul, but none of these things are IT for me. I exist to accumulate knowledge via reading and life experiences and then dispense that information. It is my raison de vivre. I can't not do it. Anyone who knows me will attest to this. If we’re in the same room, at some point I’m going to unload info that I believe will be of use.

Initially, I went to school for interior design, but towards the end of the program I realized that this field was too aesthetic for me, and centering my life around it felt trite. I resigned to make it a hobby, something to help friends with, and then promptly changed my major to psychology. A year away from a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, I quit the biz to become a hairstylist. Probably doesn't sound like a smart move given my passions, but at the ripe old age of 27, and in the midst of a struggling marriage that was soon to end, I didn't feel equipped with enough life experiences, patience, or know how to counsel anyone through anything.

Doing hair was creative for me, but never purposeful. My soul found a way to emerge within the constraints of my job, as it often will, and what drove me was the interaction I had with the women in my chair, a captive audience to dispense the aforementioned information to. Two hours of face time lends itself to intimacy. Women who get their hair done with any consistency, spend more uninterrupted personal time truly engaging with their hairstylist than most anyone else. Bonus for the girl who loves talking about relationships and human nature.

After my third child, work became overwhelming, given my propensity for depth in interaction and communication. Between my job and parenting, I didn't have much left to give. I was running on empty. When we moved, I decided to stop doing hair and try my hand at being a stay at home mom.

Care taking fuels me in many ways. I'm a nurturer by nature, but my kids aren't interested in the ramblings of a 40 year old woman or why the mucilage emitted by chia seeds is cleansing to the digestive system.  After almost a year of having minimal outlets for communicating and sharing, angst set in, commingled with a little depression. Facebook and Instagram became unjustifiably interesting, and I often found myself lost in my phone, trying to fill a void with crap that other people were posting to fill their voids, i.e. pictures of dogs cuddling kittens and chalkboard signs for every non monumental event in their children’s lives. Not gonna work. I knew I wasn't feeding my soul, but didn't know how to remedy the situation. Doing hair again, and building a clientele from the ground up, wasn't realistic or financially sensible with three kids, and would land me right back into the exhausted boat I started with. I asked the Universe for an answer, it arrived in the form of blogging. When the inspiration showed up, it was like a sucker punch, swift and clear, stopping me in my tracks. I knew exactly what I needed to do and exactly how to do it. When you identify your passion, it'll hit you hard, there will be no denying it. Blogging may not be the end all be all, but my eyes are opened, and I have unwavering faith that my path will unfold before me if each step I take is conscious and with purpose.

Let's chat about how to work this out for yourself:

1. Be mindful, take moments for yourself to be still and listen. Ask for guidance, whether that's to God, Allah, the Universe, or your spirit guide. This may take time. Ask and ask again. But, you've got to be still to hear the answer. Make that space for yourself. Get off your phone and hide in the closet for five minutes. Go for a run without music. Turn off the lights when you're on a bathroom break. Quiet your mind in the shower. Breathe and listen. No excuses.

2. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re pursuing different endeavors. This requires mindfulness again. Is there anything that you're doing, be it ever so small, that ignites purpose? For me, when I'm talking to people about subjects that evoke passion in me, it's like my brain goes on autopilot, and I'm a bystander to my own words, because my soul is acting through me. It may be different for you, but there should be some sort of spark, a soul’s remembrance if you will, when you're in the zone of pursuing your purpose.

3. Read some books about the subject. See recommendations below.

4. Journal about it.

5. Talk to a friend, brainstorm, voice your deepest ideas and fears. Epiphanies are easily met when putting thoughts into words.

6. If there is a fear holding you back or a contextual issue, list the worst things that could happen if you went for it. And, remember, step one doesn't have to be moving to a third world country to join the Peace Corps. It could be as simple as organizing a food drive at church. Work within the realm of your own world.

7. Know this with complete assuredness, when you open the door to progress and desire, to something meaningful that enhances you and those in your wake, turning your back on fears, you will be doubly rewarded. Doors will fly open all around you. But, you have to take the first courageous step, keeping the fear of failure and inadequacy at bay, or you’ll never even see those doors. The prize of personal risk is progress and nothing halts progress quite like fear. Fear often comes in the form of excuses; “I'm too busy,” “I’m too tired,” “I’m too broke.” Bullshit. This is what you were born for. Get it.

And on that note, I'll leave you.

-Angi

IS VARIETY THE KEY TO SUSTAINED HEALTHY WEIGHT?

After my second child, at the age of 35, all of my go to weight loss tricks stopped working. I used to fast through dinner, a few nights per week, and that kept me right where I wanted to be. If I tried to pull that now, I’d gain weight immediately. Having a second child totally changed my lifestyle and increased my stress levels immeasurably. Being a full time working, nursing, and co sleeping (read not sleeping) mom left me exhausted and over run. The kids didn’t nap simultaneously, which meant no opportunities to mentally recharge, exercise had to happen before waking hours, and after getting home from work at 7:30 or 8:00, evenings were chaotic. This was a far cry from the relatively relaxed and routine life I’d been pulling off with one kid.

Dieting is a form of biological stress. Denying the body of consistent sustenance might work when the rest of your life isn’t nuts, but is sure to backfire any other time. I’m not advocating skipping meals, as I did, although now it’s a health craze called intermittent fasting- guess I was ahead of my time. Unfortunately, I wasn’t doing it to reduce inflammation or be healthy, just to be skinny.

I landed myself in the midst of adrenal fatigue (see my other article if you’re interested in learning more about this) with the stress, over exercise, and failed attempts at fasting, and gained 10 pounds lickety split. After years of working myself back into wellness and experimenting with several different ways of eating, I’ve figured a few things out about maintaining a healthy weight and feeling good. Sustainable energy levels are paramount, with three kids to chase after. I’m right around the weight I was before children (being thin isn't a natural state for me, if I eat like crap, I gain easily), and it doesn’t take an extreme amount of effort if you’re already dialed in to your wellness game.

1. Obvious stuff here, limit processed sugars and processed foods. They are laden with inflammatory ingredients, even the so called “healthy” ones are laced with soy, and hydrogenated oil, or carageenan. It took me 30 years to realize that even miniscule amounts of soy were the cause of my cystic acne. Check labels. Trader Joe’s is guilty of putting soy in so many foods you wouldn’t otherwise suspect.

2. I indulge in ways that aren’t off the charts unhealthy. If I bake, I use less sugar, like if it calls for two cups, I’ll use one, and generally substitute white sugar for coconut sugar (it’s low glycemic). For me, a common indulgence is chai with nut milk and a teaspoon of coconut sugar or raw local honey, or a hot cocoa with organic raw cacao powder, nut milk, vanilla, and a teaspoon of coconut sugar. Kombucha really hits the spot in the summer. Those small daily treats keep me honest. Time it when you know you’re most likely to cave to cravings. For most, it’s that post-dinner/ pre-bedtime urge that gets us.

3. I usually have three meals and one afternoon snack. Be kind to your body, and give it a break from digestion by not being a chronic snacker. Your system will run a lot more smoothly. My snacks are generally an apple or pear, a few almonds, raw veggies, or potato chips fried in avocado oil, which leads me to my next point.

4. Avoid canola and vegetable oils. They are GMO and heavily processed. They cause inflammation, and inflammation causes, you guessed it, weight gain. I use avocado or coconut oil for cooking, because they don’t deteriorate when heated. When heated beyond its smoke point, olive oil gives off toxic smoke (not healthy to inhale) and heat destroys its antioxidants, so what’s the point? That being said, I save it for salad dressings. You shouldn’t need anything beyond those three oils.

5. I don't go crazy in the fat department. I'm not avoiding it like the plague, circa 1990’s, but it’s not the second coming for me like it is for some others. My body doesn't like a lot of fat. I stick with healthy oils for cooking and salad dressings, seeds, and avocados.

6. Almost everyone is deficient in Magnesium, Vit D3, B12, and Omega 3’s. A good multivitamin for women that contains folate instead of folic acid (hard to find and a must) is Ritual. Being low on these nutrients can cause sleep issues, energy problems, and weight gain.

7. I eat healthy carbs, like squash, sweet potatoes, white potatoes (unless nightshades are out for you), quinoa, chickpeas, lentils, eggs, buckwheat, and the occasional organic rice. I try to carb cycle from one day to the next. If I have a particularly carb heavy meal one day (say, butternut squash soup for lunch), I limit them the next, usually by having a salad with protein for lunch. Or, maybe at dinner, I'll eat my main dish on a bed of steamed zucchini or sautéed kale versus rice.

8. I’m not a firm believer in high protein, low carb being the ticket to weight loss. That works for some, but not all, me being one of them. The effects seem to peter out after a few months anyway. I eat meat a couple times per week, and only once per day. Meat requires a longer time to digest, so it’s best taken at dinner. I amp up my protein with the addition of hemp seeds, raw pumpkin seeds, raw sunflower seeds, chia seeds, flax seeds, collagen powder, lentils, chickpeas, and goat cheese.

9. I rotate my nut milks, to avoid becoming sensitive to one of them, which would cause inflammation and weight gain. When I run out of almond, I switch to coconut. When that’s done I do hemp, or macadamia. You get the picture.

10. This is a big one and maybe a surprising one. I rotate my food. If you eat the same foods over and over again (total woman problem because we are such creatures of habit) you’re likely to become sensitive to them over time. That sensitivity may not have any physical symptoms other than gradual weight gain. I do best if I don't repeat a meal more than two times per week, no matter how healthy it seems. We have the same dinners no more than twice per month, and I really try to work seasonal veggies in, to get a good mix of nutrients. So, if I have a veggie scramble on Monday, I’ll have chia pudding the next, and then buckwheat the following day. At that point, I can start the rotation over again. Maybe for lunch, I’ll have sweet potato soup and Pepitas on Monday, then a large salad with hemp seeds, apple, and avocado the next, and on Wednesday I might do lentils with sauteed kale and goat cheese. Repeat. Or Whatever. As long as you’re not eating the same meals more than twice per week and are doing your damndest to avoid the back to back stuff. Some family favorites for dinner are vegan chickpea masala, buddha bowls with roasted chickpeas, breakfast dinner (nitrate free bacon with sauteed potatoes and peppers and onions), salad with homemade mint dressing and chickpeas, served with pitas for the kids, crockpot thai basil chicken over rice, beef stew, and skirt steak with an olive oil cilantro sauce and potato salad made with olive oil and fresh herbs instead of mayonnaise, veggies added to all of those in some form or another. Kale and zucchini dice up nicely into many foods without morphing the flavor too much. Check out the Mindful + Mama Pinterest page for these recipes.

11. I freeze portions of leftover dinners. This makes it easy to rotate lunches without repeating and major meal prep. Soup is another great freezer item, because it's inevitable that there's always too much.

12. I allow the occasional indulgence (like twice per month)- sometimes you must have a burger or pizza, period. I just try to balance it out by skipping the fries, etc, because to me, it’s not worth feeling lethargic or bloated for the next several hours. There are some foods that aren't ever worth dabbling in, because they are very disruptive to my system, like ice cream and high fat dairy. I'm happier and healthier without them. Know your limits and respect yourself enough to maintain them.

-Angi

40 IN FOREVER 21- Coming to grips with the process that is aging.

The checkout girl, no more than 20, looks up at me. I'm not sure if it’s the lines around my eyes, the weary look of parental defeat, my inability to follow the credit card machine prompts, or my pile of washable cotton basics, and she says, “are all your kids at school today?”

A punch to the gut. Here I am, a 40 year old, in Forever 21. I’d previously failed to notice that everyone around me is 20 years my junior and every shirt is a crop top with some ridiculous bold phrase, “allergic to mornings,” “babes do it better,” “made in the nineties.” Ugh, or seventies. I struggle to find anything wearable in the store that used to be my cheap girl Mecca. It's been a few years since I set foot in the place, I’m now three kids deep and a stay at home mom instead of a hairstylist. At least when I did hair, style was an expectation. I was excused from the pragmatism of mom wear, because I was repping a hip industry.

For the first time, I’m self conscious of my presence here, painfully aware that I've passed an age threshold. I still feel like the 21 year old that wore risqué trends and walked around bare bellied like she owned the place. There are moments when my current life seems like a dream that I've stepped into, as if I woke to a house full of kids after a long night at the bar. Who even is this girl? And, can I call myself a girl anymore?

Sometimes it feels dispiriting to think about the excitement that I'll never have again, to be aware that parts of my life are now completely known, no mystery as to how the story ends. No day dreaming about my future house or children or husband, loved as they may be. They're here now. We’re living it. That girl is someone to reminisce upon, her adventures things of the past. I allow a twinge of sadness as I say adieu to her, the uncharted possibilities she encompassed, walking out of Forever 21 for what will likely be the last time.

I'm forced to recognize that when I was her and she was me, she was an unknown to even herself, fumbling through life and love, making mistakes left and right, assuming she knew it all. She was uncomfortable in her own skin, experimenting with ways of being, trying to find her self worth, her identity, approval. She was selfish, often hurtful with her thoughtless words, impatient and obtuse.

Becoming a parent forced an evolution that could only have occurred through the necessity to focus on people other than myself. Patience and selflessness created a sensitivity that was lacking. I've grown immeasurably because of the permanence that is my family, my responsibility. The loss of freedom and time that goes hand in hand with parenting has created a much stronger woman who prioritizes only the things that matter. I have a resilience to criticism that wouldn't have existed before, because the only opinions that truly matter are contained within the walls of my home.

My youth may be taking leave, but the truth is that the story of my life as a woman is just beginning. I'm more than just a has been buying $4 leggings at Forever 21. I'm creating futures for three beautiful children. I'm crafting the foundation for their youths, carefully curating experiences for them to build upon, opportunities to explore who they are and what they love. I'm busy solidifying identities to instill confidence and worth, exposing them to as much as I can to peak their curiosity and desire for knowledge. What's more, I'll get to witness the excitement that is their 20’s, stumbling from one experience to the next, as they learn themselves.

The day shall come when I'll see myself through their teenage and adult eyes, and I'll unravel all over again, our dynamics teaching me what is and isn't working.

As empty nesters, my husband and I will make ourselves anew in who knows how many ways.

The journey is far from over, an evolution after every season of life. I find myself with tears in my eyes as I think of that 21 year old girl, silly and excitable, naive and bold, searching for her place. But, it is with tears and joy, intertwined, that I picture myself as a 60 year old woman, story more than half written, finale yet to be determined. I adore that these two women will have inhabited the same skin, given breath to so many vastly different adventures, none more or less important than others to the making of a woman, the sculpting of a life. They will have seen through the same eyes, but interpreted what they behold from evolving perspectives, none more right than the last, just differently informed.

And, one day, my daughter will look into the mirror and behold who she was, is and has yet to become. Each layered upon one another, maybe not gone, just within. I guess a part of us will always be forever 21...

-Angi

TIT FOR TAT IN MARRIAGE. WHAT'S IT REALLY ABOUT?

If you've been reading my output, chances are you've got a pretty clear idea about the name of my game: recognizing ineffective methods of operating in your relationships.

Most of us are living on the surface of our lives. This isn't intended to act as an insult. I'm not insinuating that we’re shallow. My observation is that we live busy, over stimulating lives. Our plates are overflowing, and there simply isn't the energy or the excess time to be introspective at the level required to actually understand the motivations behind our ineffective tendencies.

Humility is en vogue right now. Self deprecating humor is everywhere. Unlike our parents’ and grandparents’ generations, admitting our flaws isn't considered a weakness. Acknowledging the problem is the first step, but most of us fail to go beyond that.

We out ourselves and consider the job done. We’re more open about our inadequacies than ever, but identifying your triggers and the origins thereof is a lot to ask when your head is already spinning because you have little people to take care of and a husband to stay connected with, amidst all of life’s other chaos.

Unfortunately, you can expect more of the status quo in your relationships as long as you continue to stop short in your introspection. That fight that you have over and over and over again with your husband, never gonna end.

My real life example: When my husband wants to go do something on his own or with his friends, I have difficulty feeling supportive or glad for his much needed respite from dad and husband life. I've had this issue in previous relationships, when my trust had been betrayed, my bond was shaky, and faith in my partner just didn't exist, which is common for many, thus my bringing it up, but that's not the case with my husband.  

Our scenario has to do with me associating him taking care of his needs with a lack of concern about my own. He knows how worn down I am, how much I do for the kids, how neglected I am, how can he even feel decent about leaving me here to go it alone?

Most of us don't make it past that initial line of thought. We impulsively give him the cold shoulder and maybe have a confrontation about some other thing later on, because we’ve held our feelings in for too long. Or, we have a blow up right then and there about him leaving, and he begrudgingly stays in. You then sit on opposite ends of the couch ignoring each other until you forget what you were pissed off about to begin with, usually the next morning. A good night’s sleep seems to offer temporary amnesia. And your husband, well he doesn't know what the hell even hit him. Men are pretty good at circumnavigating futile emotions, like guilt. Women, well, we like to wear that one like a crown, dangling it for all to see when it suits us.

If I let those feelings sit and don't dig any deeper, which I sometimes do, because I'm tired, and I don't want to think anymore, then I would never realize that the underlying emotion for me is a fear of rejection. If my husband is taking care of his needs and not acknowledging mine, (not exactly accurate, but the mind and heart are often irrational) then he must not appreciate me. If he doesn't appreciate me, does he notice me? Does he love me as much as I love him? Am I worthy of his love, of anyone's love? Oh God, I'm going to be alone… You can go further with this, exploring why those sensations exist. Who did you need to be to feel loved growing up? How did your parents interact? How do you feel about you lately?

The point of this exploration is to own your side of the interaction, instead of thrusting all of the responsibility for your feelings into your partner’s lap. Chances are that there's more to it than meets the eye. If there is a repeated sore spot in your relations with significant people in your life, then there is a deeper underlying issue that’s going to require some psychological excavating.

Start by addressing your basic feelings. Think about the recurring friction. Really try to identify if there is an insecurity for you surrounding this topic. If you're going deep enough, you should notice some discomfort and even embarrassment. Admitting flaws doesn't feel nice. On some level, if you linger in it, you should be able to recognize a fear in there. This is going to vary, based upon the situation at hand, but it generally comes down to a fear of not being worthy of love or a fear of not feeling connected. Fear and Love are the two most basic emotions, they're the foundation for everything else. So, if you're pissed off, there's some fear hiding in there.

Determining your raw sentiments isn't a cure all. You then have to remind yourself of them the next time you feel the desire to do battle. The goal is to be able to talk yourself down from that ledge, because you know how irrational the interaction is. It helps me to also remember that my husband is fighting his own inner demons, and we’re both just trying to protect our hearts from pain and loss; noble causes, indeed.

None of it’s going to come easy. It's all work, but so is the drudgery of endless bickering turned silent treatment, on repeat. You can move beyond that one argument and maybe tear the band aid off another festering wound that needs mending, slowly working through heartaches and fears of years’ past, becoming a fierce team united and persevering in love, a true force to be reckoned with.

-Angi