This is going to serve as an exploratory exercise and because of that I’ll keep it casual. Maybe we’ll get some answers. Maybe we won’t. But, if experience is any indicator, we’ll at least be slightly more enlightened by the end than we are now. If you know me, you’re aware (perhaps painfully) that my preferred mode of speech is articulate muddled with profanity, and since we’re meandering this path together, I’m going to write in my conversational style.

I’ve got a few people in my life who just don’t seem to like me. Do I know this for sure? Um, no. Is it possible that it’s a completely self-involved delusion? Absolutely. But, my best efforts appear to be met with indifference. Unfortunately, my fragile lil’ ego handles this poorly. We’re human. We want everyone to be a fan and part of being a person means coping with the reality that this is highly improbable. But, those feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty remain and working through them is what I’m interested in. So, let’s meander down the rabbit hole.

I’m a forgiver. Grudges are for suckers and gluttons for punishment. If you've wronged me and been able to admit it, I can move on very quickly, but this whole don’t like me and I don’t know why business, cuts deep. The mystery and the helplessness are problematic. Typically, my go to defense mechanism, to suppress the hurt, is to dig up any and every reason I can to not like them back. It’s wildly unsuccessful every time, serving only to leave me feeling even more like a chump.

Thankfully, this list is short (that I know of) and varies over time. You can’t win ‘em all.

We’ve all read The Four Agreements, it’s not about us, it’s them, right? Buttt, what if it is about me, and I’m an obtuse asshole (my biggest fear)? It’s pretty much become the name of my game to own my shit, acknowledge my shit, clean up my shit, etc., etc. I know when I speak out of turn. I know when I’ve said too much. I internally cringe at my own fuck ups on the regular and can’t immediately smooth them out every time, but I always take mental notes to do better going forward. This is the price I pay for being generous with my “authenticity.”

But, how does one clean up said shit if one can’t recognize it? And, how do we make peace with seemingly unfixable relationships? There are a few directions, that I can think of, to take this in:

1. There is no shit. They just don’t like your brand of stink. You’re great, don’t sweat it.

2. They aren’t even thinking about you.

3. You suck and you don’t know it yet.

4. They suck and can’t handle that you don’t.

5. They’re jelly of how cool you are.

6. You offended them and then you were fine but they hold grudges like an S.O.B.  

Number 1 really doesn’t require discussion. There’s nowhere to go from there. Why waste mental energy on them? If you have to live your life with this person, say a prayer and keep on.

Number 2 is a real possibility and the likely cause of most hurt feelings. Our generation is incredibly self-focused. We’ve been misinformed of the difference between self-care and selfishness and let’s be real, we kinda suck. We’re pretty busy reaching in instead of out, and putting ourselves first at all costs, in the name of safe-guarding the precious “boundaries” we’ve been taught to create. It’s how we cope with the modern world being too overwhelming for us. We may be nailing introspection, but it’s come at a cost of absolute autonomy and no sense of community. So, how to decipher between self-involvement and distaste in this climate? The hope is that we’re in tune enough with reality to register when we’re being paranoid and seeing things that aren’t there. A repetitive pattern of dismissal (or worse) from someone is a good indicator that your feelings are legitimate.

3- not much to be done about that either. If you’ve got some dick moves and zero awareness of them, you’re out of luck until you grow. It’s not your problem to solve until you can actually see it. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look… introspection is never a bad thing, amiright?

Number 4 and 5 are bedfellows. If you’ve got a few admirable attributes that highlight someone’s feelings of inadequacy, they may need to stifle them via judgment of you. In this case, they're the ones with blinders on. This is tricky to concretely identify and painful to reconcile because you’re the one left holding a pile of shit in your hand, feeling like a fuck up and for no good reason, which works out well for them and their subconscious need to supersede you. And, still not much to be done about this either. Cue ugly cry face emoji.

So far, Don Miguel is cleaning house with his second agreement (never take anything personally).

Number 6- I mean what can you do? If they’re going the distance with the anger, which honestly takes me back to 4 and 5 (prob jelly), still their problem. 

So, worst case scenario, IMO, is that you don’t know you’re acting like an ass. That’s embarrassing... but ignorance is bliss and when you know better, you do better. Maya Angelou, thank you for that one. It’s granted grace many a time and I will ride that shit into the sunset, always and forever.

Based upon our very serious and academic research above, ultimately, the responsibility does not lie with the person who has dug deep enough internally, tried to remedy in the best ways they know how, and been conscientious of all parties feelings. If you know you’re operating with integrity (and if you aren’t, deep down, you know that too because it feels kinda murky), then it’s not your battle to fight. You’ve plowed the whole field and there’s nothing left to do until new crops grow.

Typically, I extricate myself from these relationships because it borders on self-abuse to maintain them. We don’t ever need to feel like shit about ourselves unless absolutely necessary for momentary growth. But, sometimes you can’t bail- it’s coworkers, neighbors, school moms, family, church mates, blah blah blah. This is where the real problem lies (this is where my problem lies as well) because you’re going to feel crappy every time you see this person or their social media posts or hear about them. Basically, any reminder that they exist in the world while disliking you, is going to hurt.

So, what do we do with this hurt? How do we make it work for us if we can’t escape from it? This is the part where I furiously search for the silver lining, ‘cus damnit, it’s always there, and it’s the only thing we actually have any control over. Maybe this awareness, painful as it may be, keeps us on our toes, strengthens our cognizance of how we traverse our worlds. If I’m sensitive about how others interpret me because I’m in the throes of self-doubt, then perhaps I lead with more tenderness and empathy in other relationships. I’ve had friends who were too well-loved (it’s real folks), placed upon pedestals, that were very scary to fall from. This lends itself to an inability to admit your own flaws and a fear of being truly honest with others, lest they dislike you. 

This heart has weathered some storms. It can take a beating. I can be real with people and while my forthcomingness has certainly hurt others, more often than not, it’s cradled their ability to be authentic with me and themselves, while owning and voicing uncomfortable truths and emotions. If given the choice, I’m always going to risk a little pain in exchange for something real. The good news is that we improve over time. Every last one of us. The more I’ve flexed that muscle, the more broken hearts I’ve caused and ultimately sustained, the more adept I’ve become at knowing when a mind is ready for honesty and how to tread lightly enough for it to be well received.

Are we on to something or bullshitting ourselves? Not sure, but most of life is composed of the bullshit we tell ourselves anyway, so I’m going with it. It brings peace where there was angst, and gives new meaning to the saying, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Hold that pain close to your heart and use it to grow because if you aren’t growing, what are you doing?

Angi